Feeling Foolish....Been There......Done That.

So, this is how it went down......we were eating appetizers at 75th Brewery watching the St. Louis Cardinals playing in post season.  Ron and I had ordered and were waiting on David, Erica and Violet....how nice to be able to write David, Erica, AND Violet.

I had thought about ordering what I thought Erica would want ahead of time.....big mother-in-law points......but I wasn't sure about how to pronounce the item.  I didn't mind being foolish in front of the kids but didn't want to risk it with an unknown.

After she sat down, I asked the big question,"Did you want humus (pronouncing it with a long u phonetically)?" at which she politely smiled and David laughed.

"Mom, it's humus (pronouncing the u as a schwa)."  Now, I don't mind being teased as I rightly deserve it most of the time.

I am known for calling the restaurants by the wrong name.....there is an entire list that we often go through when we need to chuckle or try to figure out where in the world I am wanting to go.

But today, I wanted to say it right....after all it is one of those new foods that has swept the nation in popularity among the young isn't it....or is that French Fries....I have no trouble at all with that food.

And so, in my mind, I tried to figure out was it with a long u, or a schwa.......u like humid, or u like hummingbird.....then I began recalling all those lovely phonetic rules we lived by or died by when we were young.....

"When you divide a word, and the first syllable ends in a vowel, it is long (paraphrase)......thus hu-mid with a long u.

So, I thought that I had my answer........and I asked her the big question, wrong.

Later, I began to think about how many of the phonetic rules are broken in the English language......"i before e except for after c"....that one we at least know about ahead of time.....most of them we don't until we stumble orally in front of someone that matters to us.

It is no wonder that those who truly struggle with reading, eventually give up and don't try to anymore. Who wants to play when you don't know the rules....or worse yet, you are given the rules but they don't always apply.  How fair is that????

But get those test scores up at school.....a little cynical. You bet.  

This Season of Life.

A year ago I retired from teaching after 35 years......I look back now understanding the type of person I am and realize that it is indeed a miracle that I ever graduated from college....yet, I did.

Having loved teaching up until the day I walked out retired, I was uncertain how this retirement thing would go......again, understanding the type of person that I am, it is indeed a miracle if I survived my first year of retirement.....yet, I did.

And not only did I survive, I have thrived......my spirit man is regaining strength and my soul cries out in joy......"This is a good season of life."

Ron and I just returned from the boundary waters where we canoed and portaged to a small island.....and though Ron was quite familiar with this type of adventure, every bit of it was new to me.....again, understanding the type of person that I am, it is indeed a miracle if I made it off the island in one piece.....yet, I did.

What an adventure it was......physically......emotionally....and  spiritually.

I realized that if it weren't for Ron, I would probably never leave home......and if it weren't for me, he would probably never come home.......

Yesterday as I left Ely, I began to ponder......my heart was full.....so full of gratitude, that it overflowed and the tears came.....speechless, my spirit thanked Him over and over and over......for this wonderful wonderful time of my life.....it was a God moment.  A moment when I know He has been good to me.......and I just want Him to know I appreciate it for however long it lasts.  It is indeed a miracle if He could love me with all my quirks and defective parts......yet, He does.

Gratitude.  That about sums up this season of my life.

A Thankful Heart

Hello, Tim,

I am really aggravated at myself....I felt a nudge on Sunday to email you but didn't write....all week, Holy Spirit has been nudging me to share with you....and though I knew that I needed to just sit down and get my thoughts down, I didn't make an effort until right now.  Sure am hoping that you didn't really need this Sunday:O)  I usually do a better job of following my heart....sorry.

I realized Sunday how very grateful I am for you....and the staff.  

Ron and I were raised in Lutheran churches....he MO Synod, me LCA....didn't mean much  to either of us until after we were married and tried to take communion at one that was a different synod than that and they refused us......mortified us....enough that we never went to a Lutheran church again as a member....in time, after several moves to a new town, we ended up attending a nondenominational church.....still not sure if it was the preaching or just me, but I became a sponge....I didn't care if anyone spoke to me, I just wanted to take in all that I could...during this season I read, listened, and watched all that I could.....see I came to really believe--not from condemning preaching---just me becoming alive to the Word of God.....that if I had died while a Lutheran, I would have gone to hell.....all the responsive readings that actually came from the Word and I hadn't had a clue.  It took me a long time to sing a hymn again....and I still have trouble with readings:O)  I know there will be a pipe organ in heaven but am hoping I won't have to sing all sixteen verses:O)  

Well, you have probably already figured out that I went to the other end of the spectrum.....and though I thought that I was free in my worship, and so on, I took on many other "rules" because of fear...I wanted to be sure that the boys didn't grow up with the same baggage I did.....the same wrong paths I did....and so as you have heard them say.....I really controlled what was listened to or watched in our house.....I can look back now and realize how wrong it is to be motivated by fear...even then I knew that faith was the way to go...and probably convinced myself that it was my motivation....now I know differently.  How patient our God is:O)

I know that I didn't do everything wrong.......the boys tell me that I am way too hard on myself....but I am not writing this as a confessional of sorts hoping you'll placate me.  I am writing to thank you for being there for both of the boys.....for taking all their history.....and helping them develop such a healthy relationship with God......in fact, they are the ones who have truly helped me find a healthy balance with Him.....and for that I am grateful.....

I needed for you to know how very appreciative I am.....thanks so much.  Christie

Scared....

Easter morning I began a simple task.....make baked beans before heading out to church.....simple task of opening the pork and beans, then adding the ingredients that make it a delicious dish with ham......only one problem....the simple task of opening the beans became impossible. I couldn't seem to get the can opener to work....no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it to work.....see why I was scared......a can opener.

Ouch......

Conversations aren't always conversations in the sense of both parties conversing.....sometimes a conversation is a monologue....recently I found myself in the midst of just such a situation.....I was so grateful this person felt comfortable to share openly with me....but I also felt frustrated that many of the words had been spoken over and over and over to me in previous talks....no chance of an exchange of ideas or thoughts, reflections.....and in the midst of me musing about this, Holy Spirit whispered in my spirit man, "Perhaps others get just as tired of your talks, stories, one-sided conversations...." OUCH!!!!!! "But, but, but......" I stammered while knowing He was so right about this.....and though my intentions might have been innocent when I was in the midst of my "dramas", so were this person's......and if people can grow so tired of me and my words, how much more a big God with limitless thoughts, ideas, "reflections"........and yet, He remains a perfect listener........forgive me Lord once again.......thank you for filling me with Your tolerance....may I find abundant uses for it.

A Confession of Sorts

Nancy and I have had long conversations about how differently parents raise
their kids today.......and it is so different. I guess that what has
been the biggest adjustment is that I feel so inadequate in taking
care of the grandkids....no, the kids don't make me feel that
way....and to be honest, I never felt too confident when we were
raising our own....so I know that part of it is just who I am....but
there have been so many changes in over thirty years....and as I write
this, I realize that there should be changes....thank God, cloth
diapers aren't what they were....thank God someone invented the cover
over a car seat.......on and on and on......and I also think that
probably my parents had similar conversations with each other about
how Ron and I were raising the boys....why were they waiting to send
them to kindergarten....why didn't we discipline them more......

So I am going to try to not focus on what is so different from what we
did.....and I am going to try not to talk about it......there is a
world of information and they are certainly informed before they make
a decision... I am going to try to show my respect for them as parents
by abiding by their choices in raising the grandkids and not comment
on it.....I think that it really has more to do with me and who I am
than the decisions they are making......

A week ago in church our message was on communion and
confession....and how important it is to confess.....then repent, then
the forgiveness comes and the change in our hearts happens....I know
that I can't do this by myself.....so I thank you for listening to my
confession of sorts......it kind of evolved as I wrote so thank you
for giving me this opportunity to grow as a person.

Finding Myself.....

A year ago I determined to retire from a teaching career.....35 years.....and I was more than apprehensive about leaving where I had grown so comfortable.......how in the world would I occupy my days. What could possibly replace all these years of giving, giving, giving.....

Well, I have found out. I am slowly, very slowly finding myself......I am finding who I am in You....finding joy in all of that again. It has been a long time coming.....but who You want me to be is slowly coming back to me.

I put up walls, built fences all in an attempt to keep people out, relationships out....it was just easier....no disappointments that way.......but what I hadn't anticipated, it also seemed to keep You at a distance as well.....You are the ultimate relationship maker after all......how could You stay very long in such an isolated lonely area of my heart.......

But I am coming back to myself.....and what a sweetness that is......and as I come back to myself, I am finding my way around people....and relationships, and You......

Thank you for being so very patient with me. I surely do appreciate it and am grateful.

Back Again

I still remember the day that the Lord asked me if I would still love Him if I never felt Him again......the question really took me aback and I couldn't immediately answer.....in fact, I spent several days considering that question.....I know that it should have been an immediate response but it wasn't......to bask in His love, to feel so truly one with Him.....to hear His voice in my spirit........could I love Him from afar. After much much consideration, I determined that Yes, I could love Him whether I ever felt Him again or not....and as I told Him that, tears rolled down my face......oh, I didn't want to ever be that far from His heartbeat......maybe I never was.....but I certainly went into the wilderness-----a time of not feeling Him....no matter what....way too long. But of course, a moment is too long. So long in singing to Him, talking with Him but not feeling Him..........and the entire time, still loving Him, Him loving me I know. And then, when I least expected it, in the midst of worship, I felt Him again.....and again, and again........it was soooooo very sweet, and powerful, and incredible......and I am truly grateful...........it feels so good---as if I am alive again....thank you Lord, thanks........