A Work in Progress.......

I am a work in progress, thank God.....and I truly mean that for it is His precious Holy Spirit that nudges me and prods me to evaluate, discard, take on--grow.  And in this work in progress, as I have molded, He has provided opportunities for me to help others grow similarly.  For me, that pushes me to want to grow even more.......to understand something about oneself--though perhaps not fully--but enough to share it with another struggling person is fulfillment.  

With retirement, comes time....and with time comes the opportunity to reflect, evaluate, discard, take on---grow.  Not that I wasn't able to grow while working....I was.  But now, it seems that the Light is shining more brightly into my soul, time seems more readily available, and yet at the same time it seems as if I haven't got much left so don't waste it----it's like I want to get it right this time around and not waste any more time dancing around what the spotlight is shining on.....

As I am writing this, Holy Spirit is revealing to me that all of my life I wanted to be really good at something----I just couldn't figure out what that was.....so many seemed to have a true gifting or calling and yet, though I always felt I was able to do many things adequately, there was not one thing that I could do spectacularly.........and as the years passed, that unfulfilled need as I saw it hung onto my soul man.  

That is, until I started looking in the most unusual places.....when I did that, I began to see an uncanny ability to organize things, rooms.....the ability to help others do the same.....

And as surprised as I was at uncovering this, when I looked back and reflected, I saw this ability threaded throughout my life, as a mom, wife, educator.....in fact, now I see that it was what made me the effective teacher that I was......I just hadn't seen it as a quality or anything special....but I was able to help students organize....to complete homework, to write a paper, to become successful in the classroom....what I took for granted as an easy task, was difficult for many; I was able to help them.  

Holy Spirit began providing avenues for me to use this gifting.....with family.  Some mistake it for a love to work, or the need for clean....but I now know it is this little gift that God has placed within me.  Everyone has one.....some are big in man's eyes; others quite small.  But to God they are all essential in the Body of Christ.....if the ribbons and bows are removed, and the paper torn off, the box opened up, and the gift taken out to be used---not displayed, not adored---just used, then God's plan for us as a work in progress works and we are better people....and His cycle continues in love. 

Emails From the Heart

To LaDonna:

As much as I love this season of my life, there is also this undercurrent always present as well....it reminds me of my age, my aches, my mortality.....of the unknown ahead as far as my memory and my physical endurance....and so each day I have to try not to go with the undercurrent but swim against it.....and that is where our faith comes to play.....there are times I am dragged with that current though you may not see that....but the wonderful thing about our relationship with the Lord is this: we always get another try at it.....our faith may waiver but He never does......we may lose hope but He is hope....and so just when I think that this elbow that hurts so continuously is going to get the best of me, or I have forgotten so often I am really scared, He takes me and holds me, reaffirms himself to me.....and I know that it is going to be okay....and not just okay....it is going to be a good time of life....thus the reason for my party celebration of life....to shout out that affirmation...

So, please understand.  You and I are the same in that regard....we both love our Lord.  We both attack life and enjoy it to its fullest.....we both falter....and we BOTH get back up and get back at it.  

You cannot exclude yourself from that little old lady faith-filled person.....you are her as well....what you can't see others see clearly.  

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To Tim Keel:

Today I have such a grateful heart....

I know that we have been gone much of the summer but it has only reinforced my gratitude for Jacob's Well....and for you....I am indeed grateful for the continuous challenge to grow up my spirit man....and in such a healthy manner.  Thank you.  

I am grateful for Ron's new administrative job....though he tried for many positions outside of his comfort level, he remained patient and God honored him with this job....he has a smile on his face, a song in his heart, and a skip in his step.....

I am grateful that I don't have to work.....sounds silly I know but I count it such a blessing to be able to not go to work after so many years of pouring myself out at my job.....

I am grateful for this season of life....I never thought I would be.....thought I would want to be younger, want to have my younger body back.....and though sometimes my aches tempt me to long for younger days, more often than not, I LOVE right where we are.  And for that I am grateful as well.

I continue to give thanks for you.....pray that you are at peace with your calling back to us.....pray that there are those who are holding up your arms as you do battle for us.....thank you Tim.  

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Extremes Not Wanted

It hasn't always been easy for me to let others do things in my domain....

I really am a Martha inside but over the years have been trying to be more of a Mary....not that I don't want to be a Martha....there are good qualities about  her as there are Mary....but I don't want to be an excessive either one.....

I mean, does it really matter how the towels are folded, how the pillows are put on the bed, how the dishes are in the dishwasher.....as long as I can fit the towels in the cabinet, take the pillows off again at night, and the dishes get clean....yet, here I was always upset that no one would help me and yet, when they did, I redid it or told them how it had to be done....now don't misunderstand, I know that there needs to be teaching when a person is learning or if it truly matters, but if it doesn't truly matter, why do I make it an issue?  

By the same token I don't want to become so laid back that I get nothing around the house done.....and so I work at there being a balance with me inside.....and it isn't easy by no means.....but I see a better person evolving.....the others around me might not even notice but I feel better about me.  

I know I always go back to this but the class I went through Making Peace With Your Past helped me so very much.....and it has helped me realize that my kids will have issues to deal with just like I did.....and if they do, I want them to work that out ASAP so that they can go through these years healthier spiritually than I did.....But of course, it is their decision to make.....there was so much peace that came into my life when I realized that every family is dysfunctional.....try to say that outloud.  It is tough to do.  But it is true; it is true because of sin.........and so the most together family has dysfunction....now they may handle it with grace and forgiveness bringing His love into the picture and then that brings some heaven down here.....I sure wish I had done more of that when raising the boys......but all we can do is today....and so I am trying to remain teachable to Holy Spirit......

I apologize if I make it sound like the way that I do things is the right way.....or the way that I look at things is the only way.....that is my extreme Martha surfacing.....

This Season of Life....a Reflection

Have been reflecting for some time.....I guess my retirement season of life surprises me as much as anyone.....I was so sure that I would have to find something to keep me busy......just so sure that being at home would not be enough, and if it were, then what was wrong with me......

And yet, here I am....

I realize that I had probably emptied myself year after year after year without replenishing myself.....they say that middle school is like a war zone and I believe it......I just wore myself out.....I shudder inside when I think about being around people in a working situation and just don't think that I can do it....

I am fine with being here at home and getting a lot done or not getting much done......I love being able to get groceries in the middle of the day....or a pedicure.....or not.  I cook more.....and am enjoying that....

I feel as if I have done for others most of my life but now seems more genuine.....

And I am realizing that those tiny small things that can be done are just as essential in getting done as the big things I used to do....maybe more so, because they are more genuine.

I feel that the scripture that goes, "a time for _____and a time for ___________...."  seems like me.....for me....that at one time, I was this person, and that time I was that person.....and now perhaps, I am who I truly have wanted to be all along.....

Why am I sharing this?  Well, it seems like people love to ask me what I am going to do today......I used to have a list a mile long......and now I don't.  And though I am okay with it, to others it may seem that I am not productive enough.....I have slowed down too much.  

But to me, I look at having less time left than I have spent.....and if I just have this precious little time, then I want it to be full of what it needs to be full of.....not what man thinks it should be full of.....

And as I walk with the grandkids down a trail, or clean Erica's house, or mom sit for my neighbor, or have a dinner for our neighbors, it just seems to me, for me, what could be more important?  

What is more important than helping my daughter in laws, our sons, or our grandkids........and if time, our neighbors.....my extended family...what could I possibly need that would take me from that in order to make the money for its purchase......

And it doesn't mean that others have to follow suit....that is not the logic behind these thoughts.....but it does mean that I don't have to follow suit to them either....

And I really am okay to sit back and watch life going on around me.......before, I had to be in the center of it...but now, not so much......life is just so good right now.....and yet, when I try to share on the phone, or even an email anymore, I can't seem to find anything to share......how to put into words what my day consists of seems impossible.....but I feel full inside and that is a good thing because it has been a long time in coming....I feel satisfied and content......

Ron's Uncle Kenny passed....actually I have been in the family so long that he seems like my Uncle Kenny as well....he was 85 so it wasn't a matter of him being taken away at such a young age.  It was a matter of him being taken away because we just loved being around him....he and Aunt Lois are my example of how I want to do this last season of life.....on the day that he died, they boarded a bus with other veterans who had been on a previous Honor Flight and headed for a football game where they were honored during halftime......as he boarded the bus to come home, he had a heart attack and died.....here and then gone.....but while he was here, he embraced life, and those around him......he and Aunt Lois had the condo on the other side of us when we went down to Gulf Shores in November.....and though he walked stiffly, he walked the beach, and fished, he walked the steps to our condo to share dinner with us....and never a mention of it....after he passed, I asked what was wrong with his legs and was told that he needed two knee replacements....two----and yet, no mention of it ever......

Eight of the Fritz siblings and some spouses were there for the service......and we had a WONDERFUL week......and I don't apologize for it as if we weren't grieving if we were laughing and loving on one another......I think that he would have been upset had it been any other way......

In the last year, I have truly come to love Ron's family....we have always gotten along but before, we just met for a meal once a year and really didn't know one another...but this past year there have been several times we have been together and really been together.....we come from such different lives and yet we just love being with each other......I want to work hard at making the effort to spend time with them throughout the year....

And it has been good with Craig and Doug......Doug has a school to go to in Virginia in March....Teresa can't go so I said that I would go with him.....this is the guy that left our wedding early, and pretty much stayed out of my life for many years....I am excited about going.  Think we will have a good time.....

And so that is what my days consist of.....being open to opportunities.....period....no rocket science.....just being open to what God has for me.